Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism is a mental state characterised by an inflated sense of self and an innate need for external validation. The well-being of others often comes last on the narcissist’s priority list; despite outwardly showing otherwise, which can often cause strain on their relationships. A narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) diagnosis may be warranted in severe cases.

The narcissistic family structure

A narcissistic family structure typically involves a parent having an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for control and admiration. In this kind of family, the parent often manipulates and emotionally abuses their children to maintain their self-esteem. There may be overt ways in which this is achieved, for example, obvious one-upmanship, but there can also be covert ways, for example, gaslighting. There are several roles that children in a narcissistic family may take on, including the scapegoat, the golden child, and the enabler.   

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is the child that typically is most aware of the dysfunction in the family, and is likely the one who tries to speak out or seek help. Unfortunately, this makes them the target of narcissistic abuse and often involves being blamed by the narcissistic parent for all that goes wrong in the family. This child is often punished the most, may experience feeling as though they don’t have a voice, and may be made to feel worthless.

The golden child

Where the scapegoat is the target of anger and criticism, the golden child is the target of praise and adoration. In most cases, the golden child can do no wrong, their successes are celebrated, and their failures are ignored or blamed on the scapegoat. The golden child is typically the one who is most loyal to the narcissistic parent and may even support the happy family image or support the status of the narcissistic parent.

The enabler

The enabler is the child and, in some cases, the other parent, who helps the narcissistic parent maintain their false sense of superiority. The enabler may do things like lie to protect the narcissistic parent or minimise the abuse that is happening within the family. The enabler may also try to keep the peace in the family by not “rocking the boat” or challenging the parent’s behaviour.

Impact

These roles can be damaging for the children who take them on. The scapegoat may develop low self-esteem and self-hatred, while the golden child may have a distorted sense of self-worth. The enabler may have difficulty setting boundaries and may struggle to assert themselves in relationships.

A way forward

It is important for anyone who has grown up in a narcissistic family to not tackle it alone. Seeking support can bring a sense of reassurance and validation and can often be the first step in the healing journey from narcissistic abuse. Here at Tonic Psychology, we offer support to those suffering from such abuse and assist in establishing boundaries, regaining control, and rebuilding esteem.

Our Specialist Narcisissm Psychologists at Tonic Psychology